#VietnamproblemsNovember 25, 2013
Hashtags are a thing people do in a lot of different ways: facebook, twitter, instagram, texting and, most of all, trolling. Hashtags are so dumb that they're funny. I literally say the word 'hashtag' in real life. According to Thought Catalog/The NY Times/every journalist who has ever written anything about our evidently disastrous generation of Millenials, we have such short attention spans that we can only pay attention for pointless listicles that make gross generalizations about people based on age or location (that, let's be real, are usually at least a little accurate). Hashtags epitomize this--you can make a mental filing cabinet, and anytime something happens you can file it away under #vietnamprobs #LA #whateveryouwant. I like it. I always have a million things whirling about my brain, and these hashtag filing cabinets are a great way to shove the clutter out of sight.
Anyways. My friend and I always make jokes about hashtag Vietnamprobs because, like every other place on the face of the earth, there are things that occur with such regularity that they seem normal--even though, if you think about it, they would NEVER happen in the Real World aka America. Here are some of the best ones. Maybe I'll come back and edit this someday.
1. I can't tell if I'm getting skinnier or my clothes are getting bigger....
There are no dryers here, and all of our clothing gets 'washed' by our landlady. I'm pretty sure she just dips it in cold water and then lets it dry for 5 seconds because it always comes back still smelling pretty bad and a little damp.
2. Mysteriously dead cockroaches whenever I leave my apartment for more than 24 hours.
I am so insanely afraid of cockroaches, I still almost cry when I have to sweep one up. When they're alive I will do absolutely anything to get as far away as possible from these abominations. I never knew I could be so afraid of something.
3. Where the fuck did all of these ants come from??
There are ants, all over, ALL of the time. I don't know where they come from or what they do in my apartment. Actually, yesterday they were carrying a dead gecko away and since I didn't want to deal with it I let them swarm the place.
4. I think someone is reading my emails.
Because this is real life 1984 and Big Brother is very, very real.
5. I need to shower. It's been a week.
This happened. When you constantly stink and are constantly sweaty, sometimes it's just too much to burden yourself with standing on a gross floor under lukewarm water as your hair gets tangled into an impossible rat's nest.
6. So I've only REALLY almost been killed twice today.
Count your blessings.
7. I'm pretty sure I really DO have worms this time.
Like, I'm pretty sure I do. Not the handy lose-tons-of-weight type of worms, but some tinier and more mundane kind that just make you kind of feeling like puking all day, everyday. Have I done anything about this? No. Because I am extremely lazy. And the lady at the pharmacy is going to tell everyone and then everyone will know I have worms.
8. You so strong!!!
AKA you are really fat and generally just huge and I don't think you will ever find love. Other women often say this to me. Also that I am very tall.
9. What the fuck is going on?
Ever. We never know what's happening. Nobody ever tells us anything and we suddenly are expected to be somewhere watching some super important dance contest we didn't know was happening. Also, final exams. We have to write two. Why? In case they fail the first one. This goes against everything I have ever known about education.
10. So about plagarism...
LOL. There's literally no way to convey this to any of my students because EVERYTHING is illegally downloaded (if the NSA is reading this it's not my fault that's just the way things are and I can't do anything about it sry). On the plus side, nobody has to buy textbooks.